It hasn't even been a week since I started the book "Anything" by Jennie Allen. I'm not even halfway through it; but already it has wrecked me to my core.
I began praying anything fearlessly on Friday of last week. That very night, my sweet nephew was taken to heaven and my dear sister and her husband began the long process of saying goodbye.
My first thought was "I did this." I shouldn't have prayed "anything," Lord. I didn't mean to affect someone else so deeply. But ever gentle and tender, my husband reminded me that to assume one affected the other, would be to assume that God is unjust and that I have control over so many things that are obviously not mine to claim.
But it was a shock for sure. To hear "he's gone" on the other end of the line was a life altering moment. Was Anna praying "anything" too? Was THIS her "anything." I don't know. But what I do know is that God has and is and will use this to bring glory to His name. And if God's glory is simply the evidence of Him on Earth, I know that our family will see Him in so many ways in the coming days.
So here I find myself in the difficult position of grieving with my sister from afar. I have promised her and God that I will encourage every day with a prayer and a verse for the next year. He will be her sufficiency - not me - but I just want to help her remember to "look up." He'll be there waiting for her each day.
And then there's me. I feel like my life should feel different. I feel like I should have been the one to lose something so dear. But I'm still on a merry go round of laundry, dishes, diapers, and bedtime stories. Which now, I realize, is such a blessed little place to be. But maybe "little" is the word that is bothering me. It's a little story. I feel like it carries no weight or meaning or can even be used to help anyone or to make my Savior's name great.
Truly that is what I desire. Even if I am in the background, I'd love to make His name GREAT!
For right now, at least, it seems that my anything is right here. In between the texts and the dishes and the dirty clothes, I'm finding my purpose is to love my people well.
God, help me to do that well! So that in loving them, they see you. Because though their lives are little, their lives are BIG to you.
I will start here.
Until He moves me, I will stay here.
Let it be You who calls me out, Lord. Not me trying to make something happen for my own glory. Because that can't be a thing - building our kingdoms for your kingdom. THAT can't be a thing.
At least not in our house.
Thank you for the lives you've entrusted to me, Father.
Help me love them well and wait patiently for your next assignment.
Anything, God.
I will do, anything, give up anything, or take up anything if it means that I'm following YOU.
If it means that I'll arrive at heaven out of breath and so deeply in love with you, I'm here for anything. Please use me as YOU see fit.
